Self-Inquiry: The Hardest Part of Conflict Resolution?
Eric Lewis Beckman

“We have met the enemy and he is us.”— Walt Kelly

Conflict often develops when our positive expectations are not met by another person’s behavior—or when we have negative expectations which are met. It is important to remember that we have a choice in how we interpret those behaviors and our subsequent emotional response. While it often seems like the process just happens, we subconsciously (or even unconsciously) choose our interpretations and responses based on our expectations of the other person.

We can often break this “cycle of response” by practicing a little listening Jujitsu. The idea is to stop yourself from saying anything in your own defense while being verbally attacked. Instead of reacting defensively (the most common response), pause to think about what has been said, and respond only through active listening/inquiring with questions or responses like:.

• What occurred that caused problems for you?
• So, from your point of view, you believe...
• Tell me more about...
• Help me understand how that happened...

  By asking questions to inquire or listening to check understanding, we often clarify our own perceptions and contributions to the conflict, while simultaneously helping defuse the other person’s attacks..

A good way to practice “Listening Jujitsu” is to get a friend or colleague to work with you, playing out a specific situation. Have them respond to your explanation of the situation by attacking your position, intelligence, competence, etc. for three full minutes. You can only counter with questions or listening responses. A third person acting as an observer is often helpful as well. That person can keep you on track if you start to say anything in your defense.

“When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves.” —Confucius

Remember, we have a choice in how we interpret others’ behaviors in any conflict situation. It may be difficult to step outside the conflict long enough to begin the inquiry process, but with some practice, you will find your own ability to do so growing with every encounter.

Eric Lewis Beckman is President of Barnes & Conti. Eric has more than 15 years experience providing individuals and organizations with effective design, implementation, and training in influence, communications, risk management, and manufacturing processes.